Top Five Reasons that Bovines are Suspect

Assoicated Press

You've already heard me go on about their filthy long tongues and terrible wet stools, but I have recently been forced to endure the company of FarmWife's favorite cow and I can assure that those are not the only reasons to abhor bovines. I offer, below, my top five reasons that bovines are suspect.

1) Eyeballs. Their eyeballs are big, they're brown, and they're long-lashed and liquid. I'm supposed to be the "big brown eyes" guy around here. ME! Fenway Bartholomule! I won't have some stinky old cow batting her big peepers at my FarmWife. It's not right.

2) Mouths. These are very wet, and are attached to noses which are also very wet. When a cow tries to bite the flies that plague her, a trail of saliva about as long and stringy as my tail whips through the air and ensnares every person or animal within flinging reach. When she touches you with her nose, it is like being touched by a giant dead oyster.

3) Gaits. They are abnormal. When a cow walks it looks constantly as though she's going down a very steep hill, slowly, with a stomach full of water. When she canters, it looks as though each of her four limbs is going to come loose and canter at me from different sides, cornering me and diving in for the kill.

4) Appetites. Cows have the biggest bellies of any person I've ever seen and still the humans throw alfalfa at them like crazy! This is NO FAIR. My belly isn't even that big and I am on a strict diet! I think it's because the cow's hips are visible, but this is a terrible reason to feed them. Skinny or not, their hips are about as big as the main course yard on a pirate ship. The humans should stop feeding cows, because the cows get the hay and grasses slobbery. It's gross.

5) Turkeys. Cows hang out with turkeys, and turkeys look even more like velociraptors than chickens do, and turkeys cannot be trusted because of the evil noises they make. I know this from experience, and I can tell you with the utmost certainty that when you hear a turkey there is bound to be a cow nearby, and that you will die.

FarmWife, on the other hand, says cows are "soooo sweeeeeeeet!" and "precious darlings!" She is wrong. She will know she was wrong when she dies of turkey-attack or cow-slobber drowning.

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