Are You Man, Mule, or Goat?

Sometimes, in these close friendships, two individuals will spend so much time together that their identities mesh; their personalities converge; the lines become blurred. Has this happened to you and your riding partner? Have you lost track of who's who in your herd? This handy quiz will sort you out in no time. Just choose the most appropriate answer from each of the options below.

1) Do you have thumbs?
a-YES
b-NO
c-NOT OPPOSABLE ONES

2) Which of the following is most likely to kill you?
a-HEART DISEASE, CANCER, OR AN AUTOMOBILE ACCIDENT
b-AN OLD TIRE, THE LINES ON THE ROAD, OR A SUSPICIOUS PUDDLE
c-A BLOCKED URETHRA

3) When faced with a large pile of dried vegetative matter, you—
a-BURN, COMPOST, OR SPREAD IT
b-EAT IT
c-ATTEMPT TO CLIMB IT

4) After exercising, you smell—
a-STICKY AND GROSS
b-DELICIOUS AND WONDERFUL
c-NO STRANGER THAN USUAL

5) Your favorite treat comes—
a-IN A CRINKLY PACKAGE, OUT OF THE OVEN, OR FROM A DRIVE-UP WINDOW
b-UP FROM THE DARK EARTH BY ITS LACY, DELICIOUS GREEN TOP
c-WITH THORNS

6) Your clothing is—
a-XXS, XS, M, L, XL, XL, 2XL, OR 3XL
b-MEASURED FROM CHEST TO RUMP AND MADE OF KEVLAR
c-TORN FROM THE NEAREST LAUNDRY LINE AND INGESTED

7) The non-food item most likely to be found in your mouth is—
a-CHEWING GUM
b-A SNAFFLE
c-EVERYTHING ELSE

8) To show affection, you—
a-HUG AND KISS
b-NUZZLE AND NIBBLE
c-BELCH IN THE FACE OF YOUR BELOVED

9) Your footwear choices include—
a-DRESS SHOES, SNEAKERS, AND SANDALS
b-EASYBOOTS, STEEL SHOES, ALUMINUM PLATES
c-THESE FEET ARE FAR TO BIZARRE TO COVER UP

10) The thing that excites you the most is—
a-YOUR MULE, TACKED UP AND READY TO RIDE
b-THE SIGHT OF SOMEONE BRINGING HAY
c-AN OPPORTUNITY TO BULLY, DOMINATE, OR OPPRESS A VISITOR

There! You're done! Now, tally your answers. If you chose mostly B, you can be proud. You're a mule! Now, go find some hay. If you chose mostly A, you're lucky! You're a human—and you may ride a mule. Go find one! If you chose mostly C, you're a goat. Keep striving for excellence, and please sutdy the behavior of your nearest equine that you may learn and grow.

If you offered a variety of answers, please seek advice from the nearest board-certified psychiatrist.

Ears to you,
Fenway Bartholomule!