On the Question of Horse Shows

It has been brought to my attention that some poor, donkey-loving child out there in the big bad world of recreational horse showing is in danger of being turned away because her equine is, technically, not a horse.

Horse shows are for horses, argue the opponents. Not, they say, for donkeys.

Very well, then. I say that as long as the terminology is going to determine the ruling, we shall have a horses-only rule. Sorry, human competitors! No people allowed.

While we're at it, let's make sure there's nothing to spook the horses. You see, donkeys can be terribly frightening to some horses. Soda cans terrify my Arabian friend-of-a-friend, Donny, so let's ban them, too. Me? I'm afraid of lines. I, Fenway Bartholomule, hereby forbid the assembly of equine competitors at any facility on which there are roads painted with, decorated with, or otherwise exhibiting the presence of yellow, white, orange or other lines, whether they be continuous, dotted, dashed, intermittent, single, double, fresh, or partially obscured.

I am also afraid of the transition between pavement and grass, or pavement and gravel, and of my own shadow. Equine shows shall, from this day forth, be held in facilities in which there is a single continuous surface of grass, gravel, pavement, or sand, with no transitions therein. And no sun. No artificial lighting, either.

There! All better. Welcome to the world of fair, safe, all-inclusive, donkey-, mule-, human-, soda pop-, line-, transition-. and shadow-free horse shows. Enjoy!

FenBar