Ten Rules for Success with Humans

Humans, you can consider this your Ten Rules for Success with Mules. Just switch your nouns.

Rule #1
Commit fully and totally to your human. Believe in her, love her, and do your best for her. She is your everything.

Rule #2
Treat your human with respect. You are partners, and partners never steal carrots out of one another's pockets or step on one another's toes.

Rule #3
Inspire your human. Give 110% in everything you do. When you roll, roll with gusto. When you trot, trot like Brentina. Your human should see you in the pasture and know that you are more than just an ordinary mule. This will allow your human to dream big, and to inspire you.

Rule #4
Communicate with your human. In addition to sensible spooking (the F.E.A.R.R. response) as a communication tool, you have your powerful bray, your liquid eyes, your magnificent ears, your loving glances, and an entire arsenal of adorable whickers and squeaks at your disposal. Use them.

Rule #5
Appreciate your human. Those ear rubs might come easy for her with her opposable thumb, and you might be doing her a favor by eating the hay before it runs her out of the neighborhood, but you should still say thank you. If nothing else, thank her for her unconditional love. It's priceless. 

Rule #6
Don't take yourself too seriously. Laugh a little, pick up your saddle pad in your teeth, canter when you could have walked. Life is short. 

Rule #7
Be nice to everyone. Even when it feels like it's all about you and your human, your human and you, remember that the other horses in the pasture have feelings too. The larval human visitors, if you get them, deserve the thrill of a little leadline ride. The goat babies, if you have them, need your hay pile in which to nap. Show them kindness, gentleness, and affection and you will be repaid by the exponential growth of your human's love for you.

Rule #8
Exceed your human's expectations. Do what she asks, and more. Impress her, and when you are done with that, impress her friends.

Rule #9
Keep your paddock clean. Eat in one spot, drink in another, pee in a third and poop in a fourth. A nicely stacked manure pile is quickly moved from paddock to compost heap; this frees farmwife up for riding, grooming, and enjoying YOU.

Rule #10
Be honest and kind. Whether you are a hot-blooded greenie or a steady Eddy like me, never tell your human something that isn't true. You must never spook with more violence than the measure of the threat. You must never rear, kick, bolt or bite unless you are defending your human against bodily harm. You must be a mule of which the people say, "he has integrity. He can be trusted."

Yours, with integrity . . . Fenway Bartholomule