Dear Fenway, 1st Edition

Dear Fenway Bartholomule,

I don't want to sound uppity, but I think my life parallels that of Jesus Christ.
We were both born in a barn.
Neither of our mommas did the nasty to achieve conception.
I'll stand tied for a long time, even if left to die. I know, that's not quite the same as being nailed to a cross, but still...
Do you think I'm the Messiah? If so, what should I do about it?

Thanks for your help,
Lobster

P.S. Oops! Does asking how to be the Messiah disqualify me as such? Maybe I'm supposed to know!


Dear Lobster,


Thank you for your question. The parallels to which you point are fascinating, and your concern is valid. That said, there has been much misinformation spread about the Messiah and I would like to start by clearing some of this up. 


Faithful readers will recall that the Christmas story revolves around the travels of the humble donkey, who carries large parcels and pregnant women, and the kind horse, who opens her shed to transients and feral things. We celebrate on the 25th of December the birth of their offspring, the sacred child Mule. 


It is easy to confuse this story with the human tales about Jesus Christ, but remember that this word is a mistaken translation and should actually read Jennet Child. Historians disagree as to whether this refers to a hinny, born from a donkey jennet dam,  or a mule, born from a Spanish Jennet mare. Either way, there is no mistake: The infant child was a hybrid equine of some sort. 


Lobster, the points you bring up are valid and you are living a life like that of the Jennet Child (J.C.). History points to cross ties, rather than a wooden cross, as the torture device used to put J.C. to death. Tradition holds that J.C. died during or around Passover, a human holiday which involves avoiding certain grain products, and all signs point to starvation in the cross ties as the real cause of death. Everyone knows you can't keep a horse, mule, or hinny away from food for more than an hour or two without causing misery and eventual death!


You may not be the Messiah, Lobster, but the things that you have in common with J.C. do make you special! Being born in a barn is in itself a powerful sign and most of us who came into the world in such a manner go on to do great things. 


I refrain from commenting on a lady's personal business wherever possible but I will say that having a virginal mother makes you pretty darn cool. Maybe you can find her face on a piece of toast and sell it for a million dollars on Ebay! If you do, please think of me and considering making a small charitable donation. I accept Paypal.


Yours, 
Fenway Bartholomule